Yesterday I had a colonoscopy, a procedure that I highly recommend to one and all.
Preparing for the procedure was not the pleasantest of tasks, but it wasn't nearly as bad as I had feared. Basically, the day before the procedure I had to subsist on a diet of "clear" fluids. The definition of "clear" is a bit fuzzy as it includes things like black coffee, soda, Jello (but not the red variety), etc.
Then at 7pm I was instructed to ingest 1 1/2 fluid ounces of Fleet Phospho-Soda mixed with ginger ale. (The Fleet web site has more detailed information on how to consume this in three easy steps.)
The Phospho-Soda cocktail was repeated the next day about three hours before I left home.
NB While I'm going into some detail on the liquids that I ingested, I shall leave as an exercise for the reader the task of imagining what was eliminated; rest assured it was voluminous.
The procedure itself was a breeze. After donning a hospital gown and having an intravenous tube inserted into the back of my hand (the nurse who put it in insisted it was a thing of beauty and after examining it closely, I had to agree), I was taken to an operating room where I got to lie down on my side. As the staff was prepping me with EKG sensors, blood pressure arm band, and other nifty gadgets, I asked if I would be conscious. The anesthesiologist replied that I'd be pretty much unaware of what was going on, although I might be able to hear the radio.
"Well, if you're going to be playing rap music, I'm sure I'll hear it," I harrumphed.
When the anesthetic began to enter my blood stream, I felt a burning sensation running up my arm; this was the only time I felt the least bit uncomfortable, but I was assured that the burning sensation was quite normal. In any event, an oxygen mask was placed in front of my face, and the next thing I remember is waking up in the recovery room.
Yes, a completely painless procedure. I went from full consciousness to total unconsciousness to completely awake in what seemed like a blink of an eye; and on awaking I didn't feel the least bit woozy.
When the nurse noticed that I was conscious, she offered me something to drink. I asked for a very dry martini, but all she had was apple juice, so I settled for that.
I asked about taking out the IV tube: "I've seen a lot of movies where they just yank these things out."
"Yes," she replied drily, "that's how they do it in the movies."
"What would happen if I just yanked it out?"
"You would bleed."
Her approach was a bit gentler.
Oh, and in case you were wondering, the doctor informed me that he found nothing to worry about, so I won't need to have another colonoscopy for ten years.
I have to wait ten years? Gee, and it was so much fun!
Update: I see James Wolcott has had a similar experience...
Posted by jt at August 26, 2003 11:48 PM